A PLEA FOR CALM: An Open Letter To My Readership

my fellow americans,

i wanted to take this opportunity to thank everyone who has expressed their concerns and well wishes as i enter this post-presidential election transition.

the last two months have been a wonderful and heady time but now we must move on as a people, and address the task at hand.

i have a history of transitioning seamlessly from one obsession to the next, and i am fully confident that tradition will once again serve us well.

please rest assured that i have assembled a top-notch group of individuals to serve on my transition team as we begin to assess the many opportunities and obsessions that this great country offers me.

obviously, a return to the private sector as CEO of the 7-year-old eBay juggernaut that we all know as jumbostatz inc. is being considered.

however, i have instructed and encouraged my transition team to view the future as the clean slate that it always is. a clean slate that is an open road full of many opportunities, many obsessions, and many mixed metaphors.

to that end, any and all obsessions are being considered.

these next several weeks are going to be a challenge, not just for me and the transition team, but for all of us. there is no way of getting around that. and even though many see that open road ahead of us as unlit and unknown - full of daunting tasks, detours, and pot holes (although the latter are typically worse after the winter thaw so we should be good to go there) - i see nothing but more opportunities and more obsessions. obsessions to be captured and wrestled to the ground like so much raw meat when your belly is empty.

and so standing here before you today, i promise you that very soon i will once again grab that next obsession, and much like the python when it sees its prey, i will subdue that obsession and bring it to the ground, slowly collapsing its wind pipe and squeezing out every last breath of its life, until it slumps over deathlike at my feet to be methodically devoured until it ceases to be the obsession that it once was.

on that you have my word as an american.

. . . and yet still i hear the relentless grating cackle of your caring but worried voices.

and those voices ask: "but kevin, there have been so many obsessions before. do you think that you can find another one?"

to which i respond . . .

"yes i can"

and those voices ask: "but kevin, you are getting older. can you take the stress of a transition to still another obsession?"

to which i respond . . .

"yes i can"

and those voices ask: "but kevin, can you once again take the loneliness of these solitary, obsessive adventures?"

to which i respond:

"yes i can . . . but only if i know that you are still out there for me, as i am here for you. can we promise each other that?"

to which everyone responds:

"YES WE CAN!!!"


then god bless all of you!

and god bless the united states of america!

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