Tuesday, April 27, 2010

"the lamps and their light"

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the lamps and their light
(andy smith)

i knew you was smokin'

cause your window was open

and from the ground below
i felt like an ashtray and
the moon was a nail

on a finger in midair

that pointed right at you,
but i keep forgettin' that

i-i-i-i was telling you
terrible lies
and you-oo-oo-oo
were ever so, ever so, kind
i'll keep that in mind

i knew you was leavin'
cause you told me last evening
by the shitty truck
that doesn't start in the summer
and our love was a song
i hadn't heard in so long
and by the second verse
i forgot why i liked it

and i-i-i-i was telling you
terrible lies
and you-oo-oo-oo
were ever so, ever so, kind
i'll keep that in mind


don't you wanna believe?
don't you wanna believe?
don't you wanna believe?
in me.
so do i.












[photos by me, composites of 1982 & 2007 photos - fuck Photoshop, stay primitive]


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My Birthday Song

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Thanks for the "birthday song" Andy!



"May the good Lord shine a light on you
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Make every song you sing your favorite tune
.May the good Lord shine a light on you
.Warm, like the evening sun"
.(Jagger/Richards)

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Sunday, April 25, 2010

My 56th Birthday Celebration

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I am happy to report that my birthday celebration on Saturday was one of the best that I can remember.

My gal Penny came through with a little bit of everything, including killer lasagna (that I have already had six helpings of in less than 24 hours); chicken & dumplings (just in case I need a break from the lasagna); chocolate pie w/graham cracker crust (just like my Mama use to make on my birthdays), and of course, the always needed chocolate pie accessory - a large tub of Cool Whip; a very cool Andy Warhol style Cincinnati Reds t-shirt; two tickets to the Reds-Mets game on May 4th (lower deck, 11 rows behind the Reds dugout); a $20 gift certificate to the Dollar General store (kind of an inside joke); a bottle of Elsa's Bad Juan margaritas complete with two fresh limes and special margarita salt; a very pretty and often smiling face that she let me softly touch at my leisure; and much, much more.

So how do you top off a day of loving gifts like that?

You go straight to the South Park Tavern and watch your son perform an absolutely stellar solo set!

But wait there's more!

As requested earlier in the day, Andy played a fairly new song - the beautiful and goose bump inducing "The Lamps And Their Light." He introduced it by saying "This song goes out to my Dad - it's his birthday today!" This brought about a rousing cheer of "Happy Birthday!" from Andy and just about everyone in the very crowded bar.

Alright! Both my first song dedication *and* my largest "Happy Birthday" wish in 56 years! It was definitely worth the wait.


My thanks to Andy, Penny, and everyone else for the happy birthday wishes, gifts, and cards.

Next stop . . . number 57.

Be safe.

I want you all to be there once again.


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Saturday, April 24, 2010

Boy Smith 221..."It's Moving!...It's Alive!!"

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Check out this very recently discovered 58 seconds of black & white archival film footage from April 24, 1954. It actually captures my very first motor movements while in the Piqua Memorial Hospital's maternity ward!

Watch my right hand very closely, and then my right arm.


It's pretty amazing stuff:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rSCBvu_kijo



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Wednesday, April 21, 2010

tonight! . . . Tonight!! . . . TONIGHT!!!

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"tonight's the night . . . tonight's the night"
(n. young)


. . . . . . . . . . (pictured left to right: Andrew "Andy" Smith)

Are you tired of sitting at home every Saturday night watching your first-born honor student study?


Then come to South Park Tavern this Saturday, April 24th, and watch my first-born perform songs conceived, conceptualized, and rendered entirely from *inside his head and heart* (I am
not making this up).

Hear solo versions of songs from Andrew and the Pretty Punchers critically-acclaimed release Goodbye Ohio (rumored to be the most played CD on the jukebox at Blind Bob's Tavern).















Also hear songs from the much anticipated
Andrew and the Pretty Punchers second and final release No Longer A Lover.


But wait . . . there's more!!!


Also hear solo renditions of songs from the mysteriously titled upcoming project Tables & Chairs.

Andrew "Andy" Smith will be performing first - probably at around 9ish - followed by two excellent bands: The Rebel Set and Sleepybird.

South Park Tavern closes at 1:00 and they have always been very good about getting shows started on time.


See you then!






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Monday, April 19, 2010

I Demand My Right To Continue To Have The Right To Have A Washer And Dryer!

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Since I have become the proud owner of an original 1995 Mattel Supersoaker (see blog entry below), I have decided that I might attend a local gun rights rally and get to know some of my fellow gun owners.
Actually, I was planning to attend one of the rallies before my purchase.

My original motive for attending was simple curiosity.
I am intrigued with the concept of having a rally to demand something that you already have:


"We come here today as proud gun owners!
[CHEERS] . . . and when we go home today, um - well . . . we like, demand and stuff, to still be proud gun owners!" [a few claps, a slightly more reserved cheer, and then what appears to be a barely suppressed giggle from a tall bearded white guy way in the back].

Hey, maybe I will organize a "washing machine rally" to demand the right for law-abiding citizens to have, I mean - to continue having, washing machines. Or better yet - there's strength in numbers - maybe I could join forces with the dryer community and we could hold a rally for "washing machine *and* dryer" rights.


Hey! And what about "car" rights?!


[EDITOR'S NOTE:
Whoa! Hold your horses there big guy! One political cause at a time]

But anyway, back to the gun rights rally.


I went online to find a date and location for a local rally. While visiting some of the "gun rights" websites, it became obvious to me that the primary reason for the rallies is a concern that the current administration wants to diminish, or completely abolish, gun rights. It seems to be more of a collective fear within the gun owner community, rather than anything based on current legislation or recent comments from the president.

This information helped me better understand the purpose of the rallies. Unfortunately, it also made me re-think attending one of the rallies.


A large group of paranoid people who own guns?

I think that maybe it would be best if I sit that one out.


After talking it over with loved ones, I have decided that it might be best if I focus my political energies on the washer and dryer rights community for starters. Kind of get my feet wet, if you will.

And then - who knows - with all of the stuff that I currently own, I could devote the rest of my life to hosting rallies to make sure that I, um . . . still own the stuff by the end of the rally!

Cool. After all of these years I am finally becoming "politically active," just like the people I see on TV.

Oh democracy . . . let thy lamp of vigilance shine bright!

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Saturday, April 17, 2010

Bill Goodman Gun And Knife Show

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I went to the "Bill Goodman Gun & Knife Show" at Hara Arena today.
Believe it or not I scored a *1995* Mattel "SuperSoaker" (see above).

Does the word "awesome" mean anything to you right now?!

And "yes" I did say "the '95" (eat your hearts out Lonnie & Frankie!).

It holds like 2 quarts of water (not counting the 6 ounces in the chamber). It's pretty cool.


The guy wanted $40 for it but I talked him down to $30.


It's one of like only 100 yellow and green ones that Mattel made that year.


YES!!!


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Friday, April 16, 2010

Someone Secure A Mop Please, For I Have Melted Upon The Floor: The Guided By Voices/Robert Pollard Key Losers Song Series, Song #1

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"the key losers . . .
the part-time players
the scrubs
"
(r. pollard)


Back in August 2003, I attended a Guided By Voices show at the Southgate House in Newport, Kentucky. Matador Records had just announced that they would be releasing a Guided By Voices "Best Of" CD containing 25 songs.

I ran into Robert Pollard before the show and I asked him: "So, how in the hell are you going to narrow the "Best Of" collection down to 25 songs?" He got very animated and said "No, man - I talked them into 32! I first said 28 and they said 'no problem' so I said - what the hell - how about 32 then?"

Three months later "The Best Of Guided By Voices: Human Amusements At Hourly Rates" was released and, sure enough, it contained 32 great GBV songs just as Bob had promised (and a great cover photo!):



. . . . . . . ."Trust the wizard - here we go!" (R. Pollard)

I am still very surprised at how well the album "plays" since "greatest hits" or "best of" releases tend to be a little clumsy and awkward since, by definition, they cover a long period of time. But of course, like every other Guided By Voices fan, I started thinking about the songs that Bob *should* have included.

That's where "Someone Secure A Mop Please, For I Have Melted Upon The Floor: The Guided By Voices/Robert Pollard Key Losers Song Series" comes in. The Guided By Voices songs selected for this series were not on the "Best Of" release and yet they either:

1) melt my heart

2) goose my flesh

or

3) bring tears to my eyes

In my opinion these songs represent the "great unknown" in the Guided By Voices/Robert Pollard canon of song. I suspect that songwriters all across this land would kill for any one of these songs, but each one was deemed not worthy of the "Best Of" release.

Put that in your pipe for a second and smoke it.

OK - time's up.

I will initially limit my selections to songs available on youtube. Please keep in mind that many of the videos vary in quality, and in most instances, were made independent of the band.

Bottomline: it's the song that matters.

So without further adieu, I present song #1 in the "Someone Secure A Mop Please, For I Have Melted Upon The Floor: The Guided By Voices/Robert Pollard Key Losers Song Series":


"Redman And Their Wives" (1996)


http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qksGCbENelc




Redman And Their Wives


fall out of bed
they're issuing lives

for redmen and their wives


offering hands

and twiddling thumbs

for dreams that never come


it's often said:

"you better not look away

you'll lose the day"

the way I see it

it's already lost

"so then be it" they say


they're sharpening knives

and primitive lives
for redmen and their wives

breadwinner and klutz
and losing it all
before the one eyes shuts


well I see it

as paying the price

nobody feels it these days


w
ell I'd like to go
and kiss them away

well I'd like to know another way


did you notice that
they're taking back lives
from redmen?
just to
give them time
to find the light

and all the things
that bind with fright

a killer's waking up this time

to rob us clean
and leave us blind

they'll never see it shine

no they'll never find the time . . .


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"Sean...SIT! Sean...ROLL OVER! Sean...SPEAK! Sean...DON'T SPEAK! . . . GOOD BOY!!!"

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(pictured above: Fox Broadcasting CEO Roger Ailes' quite rare, Irish lapdog "Sean")


"him likes to have him's belly
scratched, doesn't him!?
yes him does! thassa good
boy...oh yes yes - sean's a
good boy! - yes him is!!!"

(R. Ailes)

[cut to Sean's right knee jerking uncontrollably, and just a little spot of puppy "piddle" appearing on Mr. Ailes' lap]




So 10,000 people showed up at the "Tea Party" rally in Cincinnati yesterday.


Unfortunately, the [ahem] "star" attraction, Sean Hannity, bailed as the keynote speaker. And the reason why Sean skipped town? Because Fox News thought that the "Tea Party" organizers were charging too much to hear their head waterboy speak. "Tea Party" officials say that attendees will be reimbursed their $5.00(?!) admission fee.

So let me get this straight: Sean is scheduled to deliver his canned speech on "capitalism" to the converted choir of capitalists, but Fox News pulls the plug because of . . . capitalism(?!)


God damn these "Tea Party" folk!!! How are you supposed to satirize a political party that provides its own punch lines?!

I mean - I realize these well-to-do white folk are proud of their self-sufficiency, but damn it! Leave the punchlines for the lesser of us!


Hell, as far as I'm concerned, they should run the whole lot of them through the Obamacare "death panels," or ship their sorry asses off in black helicoptors to hidden FEMA trailers! That'll learn 'em!


By the way, as of press time, there's still no word whether Fox News will also reimburse the Keystone Cops - the firm they had hired to do security at the event.


And speaking of the Obamacare "death panels" . . . does anyone know when those kick in?

Soon, I hope.

I got this little old lady living beneath me that is driving me freakin' crazy: "Oh, I'm so lonely . . . Oh, I'm so old . . . Oh boo-hoo - blahblahblah"

Jesus Christ lady!

Put a sock in it why doncha?!

There's no room for whiners in The New World Order!


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A Call From The "Big Guy"

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OK folks.

This is huge.

I just got a call from the President of the United States.

That's right, the "Big Guy," Barack Obama just called me.

I guess he heard that I had been following this whole "Tea Party" thing (I suspect that he reads my blog), and since I am retired, and have some time on my hands, he asked for my assistance.



I said: "Whatever you need, Mr. President."

It appears that President Obama would like to "reach out" to Tea Party members - offer an "olive branch" if you will. Specifically, he has noticed many of the "Keep Your Government Hands Off My Medicare!" signs at the Tea Party rallies. He wants to reassure these particular people that he would like to do just that, but since Medicare checks come directly from the federal government, White House staff are having difficulty devising a way to deliver the checks without actually "touching" them (i.e. "keeping their hands off of them").


The best that the inner circle of presidential advisors has been able to come up with is a rather archaic "tong and blow" system. Using this procedure Medicare staff grab parcels of Medicare checks using these lengthy extended tongs, and then they drop the checks into the mail slot. The mail deliverers then take them from house to house, not by carrying them in their leather satchels, but by setting the individual envelopes on the ground (with their own much smaller tongs), dropping to their knees, and then actually blowing the envelopes down the sidewalk.

Although alpha sites show that this system does work, there have been questions raised as to whether the tongs constitute an extension of the "government hands" that the Tea Party people do not want touching their checks.

Oh yeah, and there have also been widespread reports of postal delivery personnel hyperventilating.

President Obama thought that since I am kind of an "idea person" that I might have some "ideas" on how the government can keep their "government hands" off of Medicare checks and yet still deliver them.

I'm putting this out there for everyone. Any thoughts?

And "yes" - you will receive credit for any viable suggestions that you make.

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"Gangster Government"

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“We’re on to them. We’re on to this gangster government,” Rep. Michele Bachmann (R.-Minn) told the cheering Tea Party crowd at Freedom Plaza in Washington, a few blocks from the White House. "And we are not going to let them have their way.”


Hmmm . . . I wonder why she used the "g" word?

It couldn't be about taxes, one of the Tea Party's main "reasons to be," because the current president has made them the lowest they have been in 60 years (it's true, do the research).


Oh! I bet it's about healthcare!

No. wait.

Would Michele have referred to "Hillarycare" in 1992 as "gangster government?" Not probable.


What about Jimmy Carter's failed plan for universal healthcare? Would that have constituted "gangster government?" Not hardly.


And then there was Richard Nixon's attempt at universal healthcare (yes, Richard Nixon). Had that passed, would that have brought charges of "gangster government?" No way.


Hmmm . . . so what could it be that is unique about President Obama that makes his policies a skin to, oops - I mean "akin to" (not sure what made me say "skin" there) to a "gangster government?"

Do tell, Michele, do tell.


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My New Laundry Basket

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I got a new laundry basket at the dollar store (see below).

I'm pretty happy with it.


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Wednesday, April 14, 2010

Amelia and Tess

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Big sister Amelia sings her favorite Guided By Voices song for her little sister, Tess:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1fGAkJ9YYDw



The Goldheart Mountaintop Queen Directory

(R. Pollard)


cold hands touching my face
don't hide - the snake can see you
old friends you might not remember
fading away from you
the goldheart mountaintop queen directory
the goldheart mountaintop queen directory

and we looked
and we passed
through the hallways of shatterproof glass

she runs through the night as if nobody cares
she screams and she cries and ignores all the stares
she wants me to come, but i'm never going there
the goldheart mountaintop queen directory
the goldheart mountaintop queen directory





the original version:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HcUG_rXHeRM

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