Tuesday, March 31, 2009

My New Toilet Seat



I am happy to report that I was able to purchase *and* install (no small feat for someone from my family) a brand new toilet seat for my first floor bathroom.

The previous toilet seat broke while I was on it. This was a bit traumatic, although I am proud to say that I rode that bitch all the way to the floor.

. . . . . . . . . my fall from grace [dramatic reenactment]


Unfortunately the ride only lasted a few seconds so I did not have the opportunity to break into my absolutely spot-on imitation of the Slim Pickens bomb riding scene from Dr. Strangelove.


But anyway, after careful consideration, I decided to go to Meijer's department store for my replacement seat.

When I got to the correct aisle I found that I had my choice of approximately 35 toilet seats. Nearly every single box said "Industry Standard Size" in small print.

Yeah, right - fat chance, I thought.

Obviously the toilet seat industry has not been having their annual conferences in coastal cities because five minutes on any U.S beach will show you that the human ass refuses to be standardized. It is a beast of its own making. It scoffs in the face of standards - industrial or otherwise.

After I read some additional even smaller print, I realized that the "industry standard size" was a reference to the space between the holes in the back of the seat where it attaches to the toilet bowl. Reassured by this bit of information, I grabbed the cheapest toilet seat available ($6.95) and headed toward the front of the store.

A straight line to the cash registers sent me through the men's clothing department and so I stopped to look at blue jeans. Unfortunately, all of the different sizes made me wonder once again: is this *really* the toilet seat for me?

It was then that I noticed the fitting rooms.

I decided that I would walk over to the sales clerk and ask if she could open one of the stalls for me. This plan was immediately aborted when I saw that the clerk was an older, timid-looking woman who appeared as if she spent most of the work day with her index finger perpetually poised above the store security button.

I opted instead to go ahead and take a chance on my selection. Afterall, I have been trying to be a little bit more daring . . . to live outside my "comfort zone" . . . to push the personal envelope of my life - and what better way to do that than by purchasing a toilet seat "sit unseen" (if you will).

I am very proud to mention that I was able to install the new toilet seat in about ten minutes, and - if I may say so myself - she's a real beaut. But even more importantly - my new seat is providing me with a comfortable and balanced fit - snug, but not too snug. In other words - exactly what I look for in a toilet seat.

I couldn't be happier.



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Saturday, March 14, 2009

Thousands Are Sailing

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I have a beautiful video for you today. I can't watch the damn thing without getting teary-eyed, but of course I'm a big pussy when it comes to this kind of stuff.

The video couples black & white immigration photos with a beautiful song by The Pogues called "Thousands Are Sailing"


It's the mid-1800s and ready or not . . . here come the Irish! Including my 8-year-old great-Grandma Farley who arrived alone in America because her Momma (my great-great grandma) died on the trip over and was buried at sea ("on a coffin ship I came here")


But it's also the early-1980s and ready or not . . . here come the Irish again! This time leaving, not because of a potato famine, but because of painfully high unemployment and homelessness ("We stepped hand in hand on Broadway/Like the first men on the moon").

Leave it to my man Shane MacGowan to be able to seamlessly stitch together into a wonderfully melodic quilt, the stories of several generations separated by as much as 130 years.


A gorgeous & timeless song about a beautiful & timeless story - and basic human desire - to be somewhere better, and to maybe someday call it "home."


Thousands Are Sailing

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gc1G7aCpSsI


Thousands Are Sailing
(S. MacGowan)



The island it is silent now
But the ghosts still haunt the waves

And the torch lights up a famished man

Who fortune could not save


Did you work upon the railroad
Did you rid the streets of crime

Were your dollars from the White House

Or were they from the five and dime


Did the old songs taunt or cheer you

And did they still make you cry

Did you count the months and years

Or did your teardrops quickly dry


Ah, no, says he, 'twas not to be
On a coffin ship I came here

And I never even got so far

That they could change my name


Thousands are sailing

Across the western ocean

To a land of opportunity

That some of them will never see
Fortune prevailing

Across the western ocean

Their bellies full

Their spirits free

They'll break the chains of poverty

And they'll dance


In Manhattan's desert twilight
In the death of afternoon

We stepped hand in hand on Broadway

Like the first men on the moon


And "The Blackbird" broke the silence
As you whistled it so sweet

And in Brendan Behan's footsteps

I danced up and down the street


Then we said goodnight to Broadway
Giving it our best regards

Tipped our hats to Mister Cohen

Dear old Times Square's favorite bard


Then we raised a glass to JFK
And a dozen more besides

When I got back to my empty room

I suppose I must have cried


Thousands are sailing
Again across the ocean

Where the hand of opportunity
Draws tickets in a lottery

Postcards we're mailing

Of sky-blue skies and oceans

From rooms the daylight never sees

Where lights don't glow on Christmas trees

But we dance to the music

And we dance

Thousands are sailing

Across the western ocean

Where the hand of opportunity

Draws tickets in a lottery

Where e'er we go, we celebrate

The land that makes us refugees

From fear of priests with empty plates

From guilt and weeping effigies

And we dance




[should you be desirous of obtaining an album by The Pogues, If I Should Fall From Grace With God comes with my highest recommendation, truly a "desert island" disc for me, followed by Rum, Sodomy, And The Lash, and several others]



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Monday, March 9, 2009

INTERMISSION (w/brief Elliott Erwitt photo sampling)



For today's intermission entertainment I present a very small random sampling from the rich and prolific legacy of my favorite photographer, ELLIOTT ERWITT.

A "google images" search will show you more of this man's wonderful work. Or better yet - make a trip to your local library or bookstore!



Ladies and gentlemen I present to you twelve photos by Elliott Erwitt:






















































. . . . . .. . . . . . . . . . .. . . . . . . . . .finis


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BANDS! KEGS! HOOKERS . . . ?





Pictured above is a flyer for the *first ever* Andrew And The Pretty Punchers
outdoor show back in 20 aught 7 (click photo to make larger).


Wild & Free, Andrew And The Pretty Punchers, and Sitanddance! . . . Hey kids! How's that for a killer triple bill?!


The show was a benefit for Sitandance to help them pay "noise ordinance fines" from an earlier outdoor show.


Now I can fully appreciate the rock and roll spirit inherent in staging an outdoor show to pay off fines from a previous outdoor show, but as a legal gambit - and on a purely logical level - I was concerned that the show might be just a smidgen, or possibly even more than a single smidgen, risky - or perhaps even, oh . . . how shall I say it? . . . *DOOMED*


I am very happy to report that I was wrong, and that sitting at home by the phone with my pockets full of bail money proved to be unnecessary.


The backyard party went off without a hitch and the fatwah on policeman's heinies (as suggested in the flyer) proved to be unnecessary. They did stop by briefly, but only to politely ask for a little less volume - and to catch a few tunes!


Alright!


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Tuesday, March 3, 2009

How To Increase Your Bust *OR* Penis Size (Your Choice!) With Just *ONE* Single Pill! (see below for details)

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. . . . . (swamp dogg be "ridin' the rat" to the Pretty Punchers show)



ANDREW AND THE PRETTY PUNCHERS will be playing @ Blind Bob's in the Oregon District this Friday, March 6th.

The fellas will be the first band up. They will commence making rock at about 10:00.




PLEASE NOTE: This has changed from a solo gig (Andrew And The Himselves) to a FULL BAND show.



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