My Neighbors: Ernie And Rita

Ernie and Rita, the hard of hearing elderly couple who live in the apartment beneath me, just flagged me down at the front door to our apartment complex.  Rita said "Ken, we just want you to know that you are the best neighbor ever."  Apparently, they wanted to thank me again for "everything that you do" (although it mainly only involves hauling their trash can to and from the curb) and for making them feel "so safe here."   

That's right.  Rita called me Ken.  No matter how many hundreds of times Ernie and Rita have read "Kevin Smith" on my incoming mail, they continue to call me "Ken."  I don't have the heart to correct them.

Ernie has emphysema and was also just recently diagnosed with cancer of the kidney and so when the ambulance pulled up late Monday night I thought "Uh-oh . . . Ernie." Well, according to today's firsthand update, Ernie was just fine - curled up in bed, baggin' some zzzzs - that is until he woke up to take a pee and found that Rita had taken a tumble and was out cold on the dining room floor.

Even though I always tell them that I am fine, Ernie and Rita keep insisting that I let them know whenever they can do something for me. But I have to confess, I'm thinking that my sweet tooth is probably going to get some serious action this Christmas.

In the meantime, I am sure that Rita will continue to unknowingly entertain me with church music. Rita plays the organ at her and Ernie's church. Trust me, you truly have never heard "Leaning On His Everlasting Arms" until you've heard it from the slow and methodical hands of my downstairs neighbor.

Rita practices nearly every Saturday. All things considered, it's pretty damn sweet watching my Notre Dame Fighting Irish while "Onward Christian Soldiers" plods its way upward through the plaster and the floor boards.




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1964 Class E City Champions

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As some of you (seven) already know, next March will be the 50th anniversary of St. Anthony's winning the City of Dayton Class E basketball tournament. I was on that team. It was the first athletic team that I ever played on. Unfortunately, it was also the last time that I would be a member of a championship team.

My claim to fame that year was that I was one of only three 4th graders to make the 5th and 6th grade team. That proved to be my only claim to fame as I spent most of the season "riding the pine" (although I did get to play in the waning seconds of the championship game). Our coaches were Mr. Lang and Mr. Detrick. They were really nice guys, and great coaches.

The championship game was played at the Dayton Boys Club that used to be located near the intersection of Keowee and Xenia avenue, adjacent to what is now US route 35. Our opponent that night was the other St. Anthony's Class E team. Deepest East Dayton ruled the hardwood in '64.

I still remember the final score of the game. It was 14-10. The reason that I remember the score is because those were the call numbers for the local rock and roll radio station, 1410 WING.

Later in March the City of Dayton hosted an awards dinner for our team at the Montgomery County fairgrounds.

We had chicken.

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Trayvon Martin

It is night time and you are a teenager once again, walking down the street to your father's house, when you notice a car is slowly following you.  You call a girlfriend and tell her what is going on.  While you are talking to her the car stops and a person gets out and begins to follow you on foot.  When this person catches up with you you ask them: "Why are you following me?"  An altercation occurs and during this altercation the stranger pulls out a concealed weapon and shoots you once in the chest. A very short time later you lay dead on the ground

Florida has decided that this is not a crime.  If you agree with their decision please do not ever share that opinion with me.  I do not want to know that about you.

Also - if you think that the photo is inappropriate, please keep that to yourself as well because I do not give a damn.

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The Case Of The Errant Breath Mint or, Is That A Breath Mint Or Are You Just Happy To See Me?

I went to see the movie "Mud" at the Neon Movies this afternoon (good movie by the way). After the movie ended I made a quick trip to the restroom and, because I'm a jerk, grabbed a handful of the red & white breath mints from the tray next to the sink. When I jammed them all in my front pants pocket I noticed that one was unwrapped and really sticky. I licked the stickiness off my fingers and headed out of the theater. I got to my car and pulled all of the breath mints out of my pocket and stashed them away into one of the cup holders. Once again I noticed my hand got really sticky from the unwrapped breath mint and so I licked at my fingers and headed down the road. On the way home I made a quick stop at a music store to grab a CD that I had squirreled away over the weekend. Then I stopped at a Subway, but it was too crowded, and so I went to Jimmy John's instead. I finally got home at about 5:30 and as per usual immediately slipped into a t-shirt and shorts. When I went to take my jeans off I noticed, very much to my surprise, that the unwrapped and very sticky breath mint was stuck to the front of my jeans. Apparently it had fallen into my lap when I transferred the mints from my pocket to the cup holder of my car. And when I say that the mint was stuck to the front of my jeans, I do mean the front of my jeans - right in the middle, exactly half way between my belt and my crotch. Yep. That's right. I had just spent the last 45 minutes walking around town with a breath mint stuck to my fly. Unfortunately, I was unaware of this because my belly hid it from my view. But I am fairly certain that it was not hidden from anyone else because - trust me - a red and white breath minute attached to a pair of black jeans is hard to miss.  I have no idea how many people at the music store or the two subway shops noticed my strategically located breath mint. I also have no idea whether anyone thought that I may have placed the breath mint there intentionally. And finally, I have no idea what anyone may have thought I meant by doing this.  What I do know is this: 1) I want to put all of this behind me; 2) I do not want to visit any of those three stores for at least a month; 3) I want to begin the healing process; and 4) I want to get on with my life.

Ted Nugent

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I have a theory that even the people who like Ted Nugent secretly agree that he is an asshat. I think that these people might even have occasional meetings to confirm this - kind of an asshat inventory if you will. 

Of course, not being the sharpest tool in the shed, Ted is oblivious to this and continues to whore himself out for any neanderthal cause that wants him, all the while reveling in the limelight thinking that he is a respected "spokesperson" when everyone knows that he is nothing more than an ego-driven lapdog. 

It's kind of funny that the guy who got out of being a member of the military by intentionally filling his pants with shit now gets out of being a cognizant member of the real world by filling his head with the same.

Hey Ted? 

The joke's on you. Trust me on this.


http://gawker.com/5983634/patriotic-american-ted-nugent-shit-his-pants-to-avoid-the-draft

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Crosley Field

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When I was about 5 or 6-years-old my Dad took me to Crosley Field for my first Reds game. We sat in the top row way down the left field line, but of course I brought my glove in case of an errant foul ball. 

While introducing the starting lineups, the PA announcer would say each players complete name, pause for a bit, and then repeat the last name. Naturally my Dad couldn't resist this opportunity: 

PA announcer: Starting in right field, Frank Robinson . . . 
Dad: Who?!
PA announcer: Robinson!
Dad: Oh - OK.

I thought this was about the funniest damn thing that I had ever heard.

When we got home I told the rest of the family that my favorite player, Vada Pinson, had looked at me and smiled on his way out to center field. I remember everyone kind of nodding and smiling a little uncomfortably just like in the final scene of The Wizard Of Oz when Dorothy tells everyone about her adventure.


http://youtu.be/w-e_UJOGF4E

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