"Testes, One Two...Testes, One Two" or...Middle-Age, It's Not For Sissies

greetings from deepest east dayton,

ok, so after a couple of years of wondering why my head wanted to have sex but my body didn't, i decided to go see the doctor.

his suggestion was obvious: "let's do some blood work and check your testosterone levels." i thought at first that this was a sperm count, but that's something else entirely that deals with fertility as opposed to virility. and of course nowadays anyone can conduct a sperm count on their own. all you need is *really good* eyesight, very nimble fingers, a fisherman's patience, and a strong desire to know.

so we did the blood work, and sure enough, my testosterone levels were "off the charts" low. just my luck, after several decades of self-diagnosis for various ailments this had to be the one that i got right.

the test measured three different types of testosterone: "total" "free" and "available." i thought that it was both remarkably ironic and painfully cruel that the words could easily be used to describe a fella who was feeling a bit "randy" which of course i wasn't - hence why i was discussing the goddamned mocking medical nomenclature test results at the doctor's office.

the doctor said that the most important of the three measurements was the "available" number. naturally, even though i bombed all three parts of the test, my "available" number was the worst of the three. the "standard range" is 110-575 and i think i got . . . well - let's just say it was the first time in testing history that consideration was given to "grading on a curve" when there was only one testee (so to speak).

in case you were wondering, they have a name for what i've got. it's called "hypogonadism."

that made me cringe and so the doctor said "how about "male menopause?"

that was a little better (i think because it didn't contain "gonad" as the root word) so in lieu of cringing, i merely squirmed and recoiled slightly.

the doctor and i finally settled on "andropause."

and what do you prescribe for andropause you ask. well "androgel" of course. and what is androgel? it's fake testosterone.

i started my "treatments" this week. it involves rubbing this gel into my upper arm and then, while looking at myself in the mirror, pounding on my chest with closed fists while letting out the most primal and guttural sounds that i can muster interspersed with rhythmic chants of "me want woman! . . . me want woman! . . . me want woman!" ad infinitum.

so far i haven't noticed much difference. well, at least, not [ahem] "downtown where the boys hang out." however, interestingly enough, i have taken to sitting on my porch swing dressed in a loin cloth and holding a very large club.

i'm not sure what that's all about.

all i know is whenever i jump off the porch with club in hand and take off after a squirrel or a neighborhood cat, the loin cloth "rides up" really bad.

i guess that this is going to take some patience on my part.

naturally i will keep everyone posted.



"it's not like wedgie
to creep up on me"
(a. smith)