I Will Be Saved By The Bouyancy Of Citrus

I have decided that since this past Sunday was the 4th anniversary of his death, Mitch Hedberg deserved better than just a brief spot in the "Today's Quote" section of the blog.

I have assembled some of my favorite Mitch Hedberg lines below. I am also providing a youtube link to a short, but hilarious, five minute stand-up routine just in case you never saw Hedberg perform (or you have and would like to see him again!).

Hedburg's absolute disregard for smooth "segues" between jokes served his style and unique material perfectly. As an example, check out the shift from "buying something on TV" to "what ducks think of me" in the youtube video. It's a seismic shift in subject that is delivered perfectly and without hesitation, making the shift itself - regardless of the quality of the two jokes - hilarious.

The lines accumulated below stand on their own (some of the best jokes I've ever heard as a smatter of fat), but it was Hedberg's delivery, phrasing, and occasional exaggerated enunciation that made the material distinctly his and his alone. Check it out:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2491LucLa1g






from the mind of Mitch Hedburg:

I told my mom that I am not a household name because most of my friends live in apartments.

I had a piece of Carefree Sugarless gum and I was still worried. It never kicked in. I took it back to the store and said "Bullshit!"

My friend asked me if I wanted a frozen banana, I said "no" . . . but I might want a regular banana later so . . . "yeah."

I still believe that a severed foot is the ultimate stocking stuffer.

My belt holds up my pants but my pants have belt loops that hold up the belt. So who is the *real* hero here?

I think Pringles original intention was to make tennis balls but on the day the rubber was supposed to show up a truckload of potatoes came. Pringles is a laid back company so they just said "fuck it - cut 'em up!"

I used to do drugs. I still do, but I used to, too.

I got an ant farm... them 'fellas didn't grow shit.

I hope the next time I move I get a real easy phone number, something that's real easy to remember. Something like two two two two two two two two. I would say "Sweet." And then people would say, "Mitch, how do I get a hold of you?" I'd say, "Just press two for a while. And when I answer, you will know you have pressed two enough."

I would imagine if you could understand Morse Code a tap dancer would drive you crazy.

My roommate said to me, 'I'm gonna go shave and use the shower, does anyone need to use the bathroom?' It's like some weird ass quiz where he reveals the answer first.

On a stop light green means go, red means stop, and yellow means slow down, but on a banana it's just the opposite. Green means hold on, yellow means go ahead, and red means "where the fuck did you get that banana?"



When you buy a box of Ritz crackers, on the back of the box, they have all these suggestions as to what to put on top of the Ritz. "Try it with turkey and cheese. Try it with peanut butter." But I like crackers man, that's why I bought it, 'cause I like crackers! I don't see a suggestion to put a Ritz on top of a Ritz. I didn't buy them because they're little edible plates! You've got no faith in your product, man.

This is what my friend said to me. He said: "Guess what I like, mashed potatoes." I'm like: "Dude. you have to give me time to guess. If you're gonna quiz me, you have to insert a pause."

I'm against picketing, but I don't know how to show it.

I was walking down the street with my friend and he said, "I hear music" as if there is any other way you can take it in. I said "You're not special, that's how I receive it, too."

I haven't slept for ten days because that would be too long.

My lucky number is four billion. That doesn't come in real handy when you're gambling. "Come on four billion!" Fuck! It's a seven. Not even close. I need some more dice.

One time, this guy handed me a picture of him and said,"Here's a picture of me when I was younger." Every picture of you is when you were younger. "Here's a picture of me when I'm older." "You son-of-a-bitch! Lemme see that camera!"

I play sports. No I don't. What the fuck?

Sometimes I wave to people I don't know. It's very dangerous to wave to someone you don't know because what if they don't have a hand? They'll think you're cocky. "Look what I got motherfucker! This thing is useful. I think I'm gonna go pick something up!"

I wrote a script and gave it to a guy that reads scripts. He read it and said he really likes it, but he thinks I need to rewrite it. I said, "Fuck that, I'll just make a copy."

My apartment is infested with koala bears. Its the cutest infestation ever. Much better than cockroaches. I turn the lights on and the koalas scatter. I'm like, come back! I want to hold one of you, and feed you a leaf.

So I wish I could play little league now. I'd kick some fuckin' ass.

I like vending machines 'cause snacks are better when they fall. If I buy a candy bar at a store, oftentimes, I will drop it so that it achieves its maximum flavor potential.



Alcoholism is a disease, but it's the only disease that you can get yelled at for having. "Damnit Otto you're an alcoholic!" . . . "Damnit Otto you have lupus!" See - one of those doesn't sound right.

I was gonna get a candy bar. The button I was supposed to push was "HH" so I went to the side and found the "H" button. I pushed it twice. Fuckin' potato chips came out, man. They had a "HH" button for Chrissakes! You need to let me know that. I'm not familiar with the concept of "HH". I did not learn my AA-BB-CC's.

My fake plants died because I did not pretend to water them.

Look at all the limes in this god damn drink! This fuckin' thing is tropical! Look at the limes - how they float. That's good news. Next time I'm on a boat and it capsizes, I will reach for a lime. People will say "What the hell?!" and I'll pull out a lime, and a lemon, too. I will be saved by the buoyancy of citrus."

Fish are always eating other fish. If fish could scream the ocean would be loud as shit. You would not want to submerge your head, nothing but fish going "Ahhh, fuck! I thought I looked like that rock!"

I tried to walk into Target, but I missed.

I want to hang a map of the world in my house. Then I’m gonna put pins into all the locations that I’ve travelled to. But first I’m gonna have to travel to the top two corners of the map so it won’t fall down.

I've got an oscillating fan at my house. The fan goes back and forth. It looks like the fan is saying "No". So I like to ask it questions that a fan would say "no" to. Do you keep my hair in place? Do you keep my documents in order? Do you have three settings? Liar! My fan fucking lied to me. I will disengage your oscillating function . . . Now you ain't sayin' shit.

I was walking by a dry cleaner at 3 a.m. and the sign said "Sorry, we're closed." You don't have to be sorry. It's 3 a.m. and you're a dry cleaner. It would be ridiculous for me to expect you to be open.

I had this parrot. The parrot talked, but it did not say "I'm hungry" and it died.

I saw this commercial on late night TV, it was for this thing you attach to a garden hose, it was like "You can water your hard-to-reach plants with this product." Who the fuck would make their plants hard to reach? That seems so very mean. (Pretending to talk to the plant) "I know you need water, but I'm gonna make you hard to reach! I will throw water at you. Think like a cactus!"

I saw this wino. He was eating grapes. I was like, "Dude, you have to learn to *wait*.

I sit at my hotel at night, I think of something that's funny, then I go get a pen and I write it down. Or if the pen's too far away, I have to convince myself that what I thought of wasn't that funny.

I'm an ice sculptor - last night I made a cube.

I would imagine that the inside of a bottle of cleaning fluid is pretty fucking clean.

If you have dentures, don't use artificial sweetener 'cause you'll get a fake cavity.

I have a vest. If I had my arms cut off it would be a jacket.

I saw a lady on T.V. She was born without arms. Literally, she was born with her hands attached to her shoulders, and that was sad. But then they said, "Lola does not know the meaning of the word 'can't.'" And that to me was kinda worse in a way, ya know? Not only does she not have arms, but she doesn't understand simple contractions.




I went to a record store. They said they specialized in hard-to-find records. Nothing was alphabetized.

Here's a thought for sweat shop owners: air conditioning.

I ordered a chicken sandwich but I think the waitress misunderstood me because she said, "How would you like your eggs?" So I tried to answer her anyhow. I said "Incubated, then raised, then beheaded, then plucked, then cut up, then put onto a grill, then put onto a bun" . . . shit, that's gonna take awhile and I don't have time . . . so I said "scrambled"

If you are flammable and have legs you are never blocking a fire exit.

If you drink O'Douls, you don't drink. But if you drink 20 O'Douls in a half hour then you're a fucking non-alcoholic. Non-alcoholism is a problem too. There are symptoms. Like when you fall down - does it always hurt? Congratulations - you're a non-alcoholic.

I find that a duck's opinion of me is very much influenced by whether or not I have bread.

When you go to a restaurant on the weekends and it's busy they start a waiting list. They start calling out names, they say "Dufresne, party of two. Dufresne, party of two." And if no one answers they'll say their name again. "Dufresne, party of two, Dufresne, party of two." But then if no one answers they'll just go right on to the next name. "Smith, party of three." Yeah, but what happened to the Dufresnes? No one seems to give a shit. Who can eat at a time like this? People are missing! You fuckers are selfish. The Dufresnes are in someone's trunk right now, with duct tape over their mouths and they're hungry - that's a double whammy. I think they should say: "Smith, search party of three, you can eat - but only after you find the Dufresnes."

My manager saw me drinking backstage and he said "Mitch, don't use liquor as a crutch." I can't use liquor as a crutch because a crutch helps me walk. Liquor severely fucks up the way I walk. It ain't a "crutch" - liquor is a step I don't see.

I like rice. Rice is great when you're really hungry and you want to order 2,000 of something.

I saw a commercial on late night TV and it said,"Forget everything you know about slipcovers." So I did. And it was a load off my mind. Then the commercial tried to sell me slipcovers and I didn't know what the hell they were talking about.

I like the American-Canadian border because if you're walking on the border with a friend, and you push him into Canada, he can't push you back right away because he has to go through customs first. They always say "What brings you to Canada?" and my friend points at me and says "That asshole."

I got a king sized bed. I don't know any kings, but if one came over, I guess he'd be comfortable.

They say Flintstone's vitamins are chewable. All vitamins are chewable it's just that some taste shitty. I'm glad they made Flintstone's vitamins because I used to watch The Flintstones and go, "Man, I bet if I ate that dude I would be healthy."

When I was a boy I used to lay in my twin-sized bed at night wondering where my brother was.

You know, I'm sick of following my dreams, man. I'm just going to ask where they're going and hook up with 'em later.

. . . . .. . . . . . . . . . Mitch Hedberg, 1968-2005

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