Thursday, September 18, 2008

Stupid White Guy Tricks, a painfully true story


it's 1990.

i am sitting at a desk in my living room in trotwood, ohio, paying bills and taking in the sweet smells of honeysuckle and gunpowder that tell me that spring is here and the dayton satans motorcycle gang has buried another fallen comrade with a 20 gun salute at the drexel cemetery located off of west third street.

life is good.

i haven't been laid in months. but neither has my wife. on the floor, our son andy plays with his legos, anxiously awaiting the arrival of his new friend, dennis.

suddenly, there is a tapping at the door.

"it's dennis!" andy yells.

as the door slowly begins to crack open our cat "blackie" takes this as his cue to make a bolt for the great out of doors where life is full of adventure, cat fights, and feline leukemia. as the door slowly opens blackie is about ten feet away and at full bore. as is my custom i scream "GET IN HERE BLACKIE!!!" blackie does a quick about face and hightails it to the back bedroom as the door suddenly opens leaving a frightened dennis in our doorway.

andy's new friend dennis is an african-american.

our eyes meet and while i'm thinking "shit. there goes 25 years of civil rights down the crapper," dennis's eyes seem to be one part terror and one part "my mom and dad were right about the white man."

i try to make a quick recovery and say: "hi dennis. i'm andy's dad. did you know we have a cat? it's black. it's very pretty. we call him blackie."

dennis looks suspiciously around and of course there is no such cat because i just scared the holy bejesus out of it with my aforementioned bellowing. dennis backs away from me, over to andy and the legos, while i head to the back of the house to find blackie. i find him cowering under the master bed and grabbing him (lovingly) by the nape of his sorry ass i haul him into the front room and introduce him to dennis: "see dennis - this is blackie." dennis pets blackie and blackie begins to purr.

and suddenly all is well in legoland.

today dennis and andy have decided to build an airport.

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