Funny Comedy Stuff

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Here are ten jokes that I made up *entirely* with my head. Some of them are about S-E-X - so don't say that you weren't forewarned.

Also - just a little bit of housekeeping before we get started:

I am going to do the "boom-boom CHISSSSS!" schtick at the very end of the jokes, rather that after each one. I would ask that each of you show the same restraint and save all clapping and/or cheering until the conclusion of the presentation as well.

Thank you.


Ten Monday Morning Knee Slappers Just For You:

1) So I was reading this really old newspaper and it said that a farmer was given "3 months for having sexual knowledge of a farm animal." I thought - wow - three months for having sex with a farm animal? . . . that seems pretty excessive. I mean, most anyone will tell you that the typical sheep gets bored after about 10 minutes.


2) I have always found that the key to truly mutually satisfying sex is good communication. and the first step to good communication? . . . By all means - get a name.


3) My girlfriend lives only a couple of blocks away and so I decided to walk over to her house. When I got there she said "Did you bring your car?" I told her that I didn't because I had decided to walk over and bringing the car with me would have been very cumbersome.


4) I was planning a trip to California to see a girlfriend that I hadn't seen in a very long time. She suggested that I pack something "special." Her first suggestion was edible underwear. Boy, that ended up being a good call on her part because I booked the trip with one of those "econo" airlines and they didn't offer an in-flight meal.


5) And speaking of sex . . . I try to keep an open mind and be non-judgmental, but this whole "necrophilia" thing *really* freaks me out. Sex with the dead?! Yikes. You've got to be kidding me. I don't know . . . I suppose that *maybe* I would give it a try. But of course like anything else I would really want to get to know the person first.


6) And speaking of necrophilia . . . I guess a friend of mine did give it a shot once. He said that it was pretty weird, but he never was the sharpest tool in the shed and so I'm not sure that he really fully understood the process. He told me that no matter what he did this woman wouldn't budge or move or nothing. He said he finally got frustrated, jumped out of bed, and yelled: "Damn woman! If you don't wanna do this, that's fine - but why you gotta be so cold!?"


7) Last night I sat on a park bench for about ten minutes. Then I realized that was pretty mean and so I let it up.


8) My girlfriend and I tried having "phone sex" once and we found it to be terribly uncomfortable. We're thinking about trying again though, because that was quite awhile ago and they make phones a lot smaller now.


9) So I was in bed with this very timid and sexually inexperienced woman. It was obvious that she was extremely nervous - almost frightened - and so I sought to reassure her. I said: "Honey? . . . there's really nothing to be afraid of. I have been with many, many women over the years, and trust me - you aren't going to feel a thing."


10) Has anyone else noticed how they have "sign language interpreters" at a lot of events these days? (ED. NOTE: even though you were asked not to cheer or clap in the preamble please feel free to respond "yes" or "no" to the question that has just been proffered]. Well, I saw one at a funeral the other day. That was a first for me. Actually my friend noticed the sign language interpreter and nodded towards the front of the church to bring it to my attention. I leaned over and whispered in my friend's ear: "There must've been a deaf in the family."


FINI


"boom-boom CHISSSSSS!"
(M. Payne)


[feel free to clap and cheer NOW]




[insert cool & obligatory, but painfully remote and borderline irrelevant, Dylan quote here]:

"jokerman dance to the nightingale tune
bird fly high by the light of the moon
oh, oh, oh, jokerman"
(b. dylan)


[insert youtube reference to same dylan song here, for reasons that even you don't fully comprehend (except that the tune is one of the best from the latter day dylan canon and the video is in fact his *very best* (not that he really did *that* many videos, but still . . . i'm just sayin') and maybe also so your son and his friend arick will watch/listen and back off just a bit on their firmly held position that dylan ain't done jackshit since his motorcycle accident in 1967)]:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=igMaEw3SJuk

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