Kev's Keys To Life & Living: How To Unlock Your Door To Happiness, Fulfillment & Self-Knowledge, Part One

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For the next several weeks I would like to share with everyone some of my Keys To Life & Living. These are little axioms, or insights, that have helped get me through some tough spots and keep me on the path of happiness and contentment. Hopefully they will help you in much the same way.

I want everyone to feel free to use these aphorisms in any way they see fit. They are for you. Personally, I like to start each day by reciting one of these little gems - unless of course there's something good on TV like: "Bridezilla," "Orange County Wives," or "Runway: Who Will Be This Season's Number One Fashion Designer?"

If Kev's Keys To Life & Living help just *one* person, I will be happy - pretty fuckin' disappointed at the sucky return rate - but still happy.



Kev's Keys To Life & Living: How To Unlock Your Door To Happiness, Fulfillment, and Self-Knowledge


Part One:

1) The key to change is momentum. Don't stop after a simple change of clothes. Use your underpants as a springboard!


2) If I've said it once, I've said it a thousand times - anything worth saying once is worth repeating.


3) If life hands you a lemon, make a lemonade stand using non-union illegals and then staff it with their kids (the cute ones . . . *no fatties*)


4) Never forget: You are *not* all alone . . . Wait - hold on a second. I pulled the wrong file. Actually *you* ARE all alone . . . but I'm sure you'll be fine!


5) If fishing with the little boy next door doesn't bring you any luck, put him back in the cooler and try a different bait.


6) This probably goes without saying.


7) The three keys to an improved body image and sexual self-satisfaction are: 1) try not to avert your gaze whenever you pass by a mirror naked (remember: the mirror is *not* you - it is only a reflection of *exactly* what you look like to everyone else); 2) back off on the date rape drugs before masturbating; and 3) state out loud as often as necessary: "I *am* a good person, and gosh darn it - my hand likes me!"


8) Don't forget that the grass is not always greener no matter which side of the fence your bread is buttered on.


9) Sometimes the key to great sex after marriage is divorce.


10) The key to a really solid and dependable car usually starts it.


11) When the going gets tough, the tough frequently die. Sometimes in droves. Keep your eyes peeled and stay out of trouble (see #13 below).


12) Most men are looking for one thing in a woman: their penis.


13) Don't trouble trouble till trouble troubles you. In other words, remain curled up the "fatal" position at all times and wait for death to ensue.


14) Never forget: Death is not the end. Death is the first day of the rest of everyone else's life.


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